“Listen with curiosity. Speak with honesty. Act with integrity. The greatest problem with communication is we don’t listen to understand. We listen to reply. When we listen with curiosity, we don’t listen with the intent to reply. We listen for what’s behind the words.”

This quote by Roy T. Bennett illustrates one of the most important elements of communication – the desire to understand and collaborate. With the holiday season rapidly approaching and many families preparing for difficult conversations regarding political beliefs and values amongst other stressors, it can be daunting to know how to navigate interpersonal effectiveness skills, boundaries, and self-expression.

Conversation Goals

Before beginning a difficult or uncomfortable conversation with someone, you first must ask yourself what you would like to get out of the conversation. What is your goal? Are you hoping to convince your family of something that is important to you? Are you aspiring to understand your family member’s perspective or challenge them to understand yours? Or are you simply wanting space to honor your needs and express yourself? Basing your success on a desired result that lies outside of your control, such as someone’s willingness to be receptive to what your point of view, can set us up for disappointment, further pain, and ultimately failure. Sometimes people are committed to misunderstanding us; therefore, it’s important that we approach difficult conversations from a place of honoring our own feelings and needs and modeling engagement and curiosity to the other involved party in order to foster understanding, empathy, and healthier relationships.

Interpersonal Effectiveness

Skills Interpersonal effectiveness skills are tools that enable us to communicate in a way that is more likely to be received by others and lead to deeper, more meaningful connections. One strategy that is helpful for approaching all kinds of conversation is the Dialectical Behavior Therapy skill GIVE, which stands for gentle, interested, validate, and easy manner. Essentially, we want to be mindful of the other person’s feelings in a discussion, show genuine interest in what the other person is saying to try to understand their perspective, validate or acknowledge the other person’s experiences and feelings even if we don’t agree or approve, and maintain an approachable demeanor to encourage the other person to not only feel safe to share but also show mutual respect and care.

Active listening is also key to healthy communication. Consider asking open-ended questions from a place of genuine curiosity, be mindful of nonverbal body language cues, avoid judgment and shaming, and utilize summarization, paraphrasing, and reflection skills in order to demonstrate you are present and engaged in what the other person has to say. Maintaining natural eye contact, nodding, and staying focused on what the person is communicating before formulating your own response can ensure you are actually absorbing the meaning behind the person’s words and modeling how you also expect to be listened to when you are sharing your own perspective.

Nevertheless, sometimes individuals may not show mutual respect and care when conversing with you. If that is the case, you might turn to the DBT skill DEARMAN in order to set a boundary or ask for a need to be met. The elements of DEARMAN can be broken down in two parts. The first part, DEAR, is what you do. DEAR stands for describing the facts of the situation, expressing how you feel about it, asserting your need or boundary, and reinforcing why they should meet the need or respect the boundary. The second part, MAN, is how you approach the conversation. MAN stands for staying mindful of your goal with the conversation, trying to appear as confident as you can to ensure you are being taken seriously through assertive body language, and being open to negotiation if possible.

Conflict Resolution

If conflict does arise and you are both open to finding ways to repair, you can implement certain strategies to rebuild trust and safety in the relationship. For example, you can try to find a pathway towards compromise or negotiation to meet both parties’ needs, mutually problem solve, or even take space apart to practice grounding tools before coming together to co-regulate. However, if you ever feel unsafe due to someone’s beliefs or if they are communicating in a way that is abusive, you do not have to continue the conversation or maintain the relationship. Part of boundary-setting is knowing how you will respond if someone crosses the boundaries you have set in addition to identifying how you want to feel in your relationships in order for others to have access to you.

If you are preparing for difficult conversation with family members or others, remember to engage in self-care and community care practices. In addition, a mental health professional can be a resource and support system for practicing interpersonal effectiveness skills, learning how to set and maintain healthy boundaries, identifying your own communication and conflict resolution styles, and preparing for how to navigate difficult conversations.