“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” This quote by Mark Twain illustrates the impact that the emotion of anger can have when it’s not adequately processed and expressed. The question then becomes, what is anger? And how is it processed and expressed in a supportive way rather than in a way that leads to embarrassment, shame, regret, and relational ruptures? Becoming curious about the emotions we experience, particularly an emotion as polarizing as anger, can aid in learning how to better care for ourselves, communicate our needs, and manage emotions in a healthy, adaptive way.

Function of Anger

Most emotions function as a way to provide important information to ourselves and others about what we need. The primary purpose of anger is to protect against perceived threats, signaling the body’s “fight or flight” to jump into action. Whenever injustice emerges, boundaries are crossed, or goals are impeded, anger rears its head to restore a sense of fairness, empowerment, and safety. Anger is often a protective emotion that enables us to advocate for ourselves when we are faced with challenges. While some individuals have difficulty tapping into or accessing their anger, others tend to default to the emotion of anger over other emotions that feel more vulnerable.

Anger Iceberg

The anger iceberg illustrates how anger is a secondary emotion at the tip of the iceberg that can sometimes mask other deeper, underlying emotions that exist below the water’s surface. While the visible part of the iceberg might be yelling, sarcasm, irritability, outbursts, passive-aggression, or isolation, other possible emotions might lie at the root, being shielded by anger. These emotions, such as sadness, fear, grief, shame, and hurt, may be less likely to be expressed. The core needs, however, might signal a person desiring respect, safety, understanding, and connection.

Anger Tools

There are a plethora of useful tools for not only processing anger but also expressing anger. One such tool that can be helpful in processing anger is to utilize an anger diary in order to identify patterns associated with anger. Looking at one’s triggers, warning signs, and behavioral response as well as the outcome of that response when experiencing anger can generate new insights about how to better understand and respond to one’s emotions and needs. Outlets for expressing anger in a safe, healthy, and intentional way might be to vocalize anger while listening to angsty music, taking up kickboxing, externalizing anger into a character you can enact or dialogue with, or scribbling on a piece of paper and then tearing it up. The purpose of these exercises is to release pent up tension in the body rather than repressing it and letting it bottle up and eventually spill over. The key here is to be intentional about the expression, even if it involves destruction. This will ensure it is not only controlled, safe, and supportive but also that there are no consequences like when unleashing anger unintentionally.

Healing your relationship to anger may be challenging, but it is also rewarding if you are able to reframe anger as a tool that can be used versus something “bad” that should be shut down and hidden away. If you or someone you know struggles to access or manage anger, please consider reaching out to Embrace Therapy for resources and support.