The memory of losing my baby is STILL so strong.
I feel paralyzed. I feel defeated.
I have always known that I was called to be a mother. In my quest for a partner, I was intentional to pick someone whom I was able to imagine us having children together… lots of them.
Only a few months after we were officially one, we were pleasantly surprised that we were pregnant. The excitement was palpable. The daydreams of carrying my baby, hearing a heartbeat, feeling my baby kick, bringing my baby home and nursing the little one occupied my thoughts. My daydreams developed into a nightmare!
That unfortunate Sunday morning is one that I would never forget… etched in my aching heart and in my memories forever. I started feeling cramping that progressively became stronger, with sharp and consistent pains.
We were in denial at first but tried to remain hopeful. When I began to feel warmth crawling down my thighs, I was so scared and screamed for my partner to come in. The look I saw staring back at me reflected back my worst fear. I lost my first baby only after 15 weeks in my belly. I was not able to protect my baby. Darkness surrounded me and I stopped connecting with the world.
The car ride from having the D&C was quiet, my partner squeezing my hand while tears ran down my face. I was no longer pregnant and I felt an overwhelming emptiness, it was as if a piece of heart left me that day. Together my partner and I mustered the courage to try again, then again and again.
Every month, we mourned the loss of our first baby all over again and the 3 other precious souls that we secretly hoped to have met.
How do I go on? I feel defeated. I feel ashamed. My body has betrayed me….I am a woman and I am supposed to have a baby.
According to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG), a miscarriage is the loss of your baby before 20 weeks of pregnancy.
1 in 5 confirmed pregnancies end in miscarriage before 20 weeks, but many other women miscarry without having realized they are pregnant. In most cases, a miscarriage has nothing to do with anything you have or have not done.
Most parents do not ever find out the exact cause. However, it is known that miscarriages often happen because the baby fails to develop properly, usually due to a chromosomal abnormality that was spontaneous, not inherited.
Many women wonder if their miscarriage was their fault and may isolate themselves in their pain. This traumatic life event can cause complicated grief reactions that may increase the risk of having psychological and physical distress.
The grief journey in this valley is filled with anguish and agony. In our EMBRACE, we will provide you and your family support for healing. You are not alone! We encourage you to seek support with psychotherapy treatment.