A Mother’s Transformative Story of Healing

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Guest Blogger

I met this powerful warrior mom, a bereavement doula at the Stillbirthday -2016 Homecoming conference, Kearney, Missouri (www.stillbirthday).

I had an abortion in 1988 when I was 17.  I lived in a small town, my parents Was well known and they knew everyone.  The day I found out I was pregnant in the dirty bathroom of the fast food restaurant in which I worked, I ran to a friend and called the clinic immediately.  I didn’t tell my parents, but my other friend did.  I had told my mom, but my Dad and Stepmother (whom I lived with) knew and so when the day came, my mother and step mother went.  It was awkward, it was painful, it was awful.  I shoved it down and tried not to think about it.
When I married my husband, I became a Christian.  One day a couple years later I was watching “If These Walls Could Talk” and the visual of the woman having an abortion triggered me into hysteria.  Thank God for my husband, who talked me down and for the first time really helped me understand was the redemption of Christ really meant.  He said that it was gone now, and I couldn’t take that burden back.   In 2001 we became pregnant with our first child.  She was born on Sept 10, 2001 at 9 1/2 weeks on my toilet.  A week before I started bleeding, so I went to the ER.  We saw her beating heart.  We thought she would be fine.  That was the worst weekending of my life.  As I watched the plane hit the tower, I thought the world was ending.  On the 12th I had a D&C.

Fast forward to 2014.  Mind you, many stories are woven between those years.  Stories of loss, of betrayal, of pain, of joy, … stories of life.  I was already a Doula in 2014 when I joined the Stillbirthday training.

I remember when I read Heidi’s message about DOLIU.  I recommend everyone read it.

http://stillbirthday.com/2014/07/28/doliu-m0m/

http://stillbirthday.com/2011/11/19/elective-abortion/

I shared my story.  I received amazing, caring support.  I felt safe and I felt comfort.  Yes, I knew God had forgiven me, but I did not, could not, forgive myself. I talked about it.  I wrote about it.  People were so kind to me.  Heidi, was SO kind to me.  I woke up one day out of a deep sleep with the thought that I wanted to name her.  My mind railed against it.

I don’t deserve to name her.  I don’t even know that it was a her.  I killed her.  I killed her.  I don’t deserve to name her.

I heard God’s voice.  I heard the voices of love from my Stillbirthday family.  Yes.  Yes you can.

I am her Mother.  I will name her.

I AM HER MOTHER.  I WILL NAME HER.

I picked up my phone, I looked at baby names.  I searched for her name.  I found it.  Immediately I sent an email to Heidi.  My baby’s name is (name privately shared) which means First Born.  Child Of God.  This is my baby’s name.  I didn’t share with many.

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